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Eastern Suburbs 3rd Grade captain Alex King takes us through the 23-man squad for tomorrow’s
JR Henderson Shield grand final derby showdown against Randwick…

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All photos by SPA Images

1. DOUGAL HICKS: The backfoot specialist, Dougal has more injuries than hot dinners but this year he’s finally managed to keep himself on the paddock. Nine ACL injuries means he’s pretty much a resident physio. But boy, the boy can scrum. Known as a prop who can grubber, run and hit, he’s worth his weight in gold.

2. ANDREW SMYTH: In a team full of fossils this bloke might just be the lead archaeologist. Old heads bring experience and Andy’s leadership on and off the field is unmatched. An SAS sniper when it comes to throws, this bloke could hit a lineout with his eyes closed and hands tied.

3. JAMES BEHRINGER: ‘Back fence Bez’ they call him. Known to play close to 120 minutes every weekend, with just one game on the horizon there won’t be much stopping him come Saturday. Bez recently dropped 40kg bringing him down to an even playing weight of a buck 50. He knows how to use it and plans on throwing it around for the GF.

4. GUY BEEVER: A 100 game veteran, Guy Beever lives, breathes and will die for a lineout. Our commander in chief when it comes to set piece, you’d trust Beever with your life on and off the field. A true Beastie in every sense of the word, Beever will do whatever it takes to get it done this weekend.

5. MAC WILLIAMS: That Mac Williams is so hot right now. The suspected love child of Derek Zoolander and Brodie Retallick – he’s talk, dark and handsome – and f**k me he knows how to hit! He’s the silent assassin of the team who will be locking it down in the second row for the Beasties.

6. DYLAN WOODS: A sure favourite for the Clive Churchill, he can step, he can run, he can tackle and can find the white line. Dylan has promised the team that if we win he will be getting a Gang of Youths x Sticky Fingers full arm sleeve.

7. ALEX KING (c): Our fearless fossil leader, if only his footy skills were as a good as his pre-game speeches we would have nothing to worry about. Like a submarine coming from below sea level, Kingy is known for his chop tackling. The ship is at steady seas with him at the helm.

8. DANIEL HOWES: Next in line for the Clive Churchill, they call him the Pharmacist and boy does he deliver. More post contact meters than hot dinners this bloke can run all day and carry all night. The only man to hit a gym sesh the day of the game, it pays off.

9. HARRY DOYLE: The archetypal halfback that every opposition player worth his salt is dying to lay out. Crafty, nippy and a smart ass through and through. Doyle is our leader in the middle and the son of a Beastie legend.

10. JOSH HARDIE: After seeing the light and defecting from Uni this season, Hardie’s jacked frame has been a welcome addition at 10. We are expecting long balls, long kicks and long range tries from Josh this Saturday, let’s just hope ASADA don’t get to him first.

11. CHARLIE BAKER: Bonesy! Bonesy! Nothing better than hot twins on the wing, just like the Morris brothers in Origin, the Baker boys are the complete player. Just like a Centennial Park pond eel, Charlie always finds a way to slip through the defence. Expect him to be celebrating with the crows come Sunday morning.

12. TRENT STOREN: The nations capital is known for politicians, cold weather and Trent Storen. The consummate professional, Trent is a smiling assassin in the middle. Jeez this fella has hit some form in the back end of the season, a leader of the team and we will be relying on him in the dying minutes.

13. ED McGEOCH: The nicest man on the planet six years running, don’t be fooled by the good bloke facade as he’s from good country stock and tough as nails. Guaranteed a line break per game, you’d be comfortable with him defending against Samu Kerevi in the middle.

14. BEN BAKER: The Josh Morris of the twins, a Roosters academy player who nearly started his colts career at Randwick until a last minute change of heart. With the best sideburns in the competition he’s deceptively quick and our team’s top try scorer. Booey!

15. XAVIER RYAN: Resident DJ, after nearly finding himself in a psychiatric home after a mid-season sojournment to Pitch Festival, Xav is in the form of his life. He scored the match winner after the bell against Randwick three years ago in Colts 2, let’s hope he can replicate it this weekend. Choke me daddy.

Replacements:

16. LINDSEY STEVENS: It’s not every day you get a capped international running around in the lower grades, and it speaks volumes to Skeeter’s commitment to the Beasts. With an ear like a pie in a blender he’s been forced to don the scrum cap, but years in professional set-up’s has elevated his game to another level.

17. JAMES BALDWIN: A young throbber coming through the ranks who will undoubtedly be a future captain of this club. He leads from the front and certainly knows how to lead off the field. If he can cut his mid-season Thailand ‘cultural’ tours down to just one a season he will be unstoppable.

18. TOM GREENAWAY: This fella bleeds red white and blue, a lumberjack by trade, all he knows is chopping. There is nothing like having a certified shotsman come on in the backend of the game who you know will put everything on the line. This is Tom’s final game for the Beasties and we plan on sending him out on a high.

19. FRED EVANS: ‘DILF!’ A baby mid-season did nothing to slow Fred’s charge into the final, and if Ed McGeoch is the nicest man on the planet, Fred isn’t far behind. Fred’s versatility in the front row means he’s worth his weight in gold. Can’t wait to see his impact off the bench this weekend.

20. SHANE BYRNE: NSW’s 7th Strongest Man. This isn’t an inside joke, Shane is the team’s strongman. When he isn’t lifting boulders, he’s making a name for himself on the Sydney dating scene. Like most Irish in Sydney, he’s a Coogee local and ex-Wicks man, but come Saturday, he’s red white and blue.

21. TOMMY SCRIBNER: With David Pocock’s pilfer ability, Bryan Habana’s speed and the enigmatic mystery of Bane, Tommy is the team’s talisman. A game-breaking x-factor off the bench, this fella can run and unlike most wingers isn’t afraid of a breakdown or 100 schooners.

22. WILL MADDOCKS: Conceived, born and raised on Woollahra Oval with a footy in one hand and a kicking tee in the other. We are extremely lucky that Racing NSW allowed a greyhound to adorn a rugby jersey and lace up the boots. Certified speedster, can kick them from anywhere and a proven big game player.

23. ANGUS FOWLER: Greetings! Growler is the cool headed general any team would dream of having on their bench. Expect him to come on, bark orders and get results from 3pm-3am. Throws pills crispier than a packet of kettle chips and has a box kick with millimetre accuracy.

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